Causes & Solutions

By Noha Abu El Sitta

Having a child throw a temper tantrum in a shopping mall or at a restaurant is a fear lurking in any parent’s mind when taking their children out. We read different analysis as to why tantrums happen and contradicting advice on to how to deal with them. Advice that is sometimes practical, while impossible to practice at other times. So what is a tantrum and how can we avoid them altogether?

A tantrum is simply an expression of anger in an explosive way. This anger may have many root causes such as:

• Suffering from a physical pain that some children can’t really identify or recognize, such as being tired, hungry, or starting an illness such as flu.
• Feeling bored yet helpless to do something about it.
• Being unable to control the people around them and/or their environment, in addition to not being able to fulfill their need and/or wants.
• Being unable to fulfill their own unrealistic expectations in relation to their capabilities (such as not being able to ride a 2-wheel bike while they were expecting it to be a piece of cake).
• Needing attention when they are not getting enough of it thus feeling insignificant and frustrated.
• Suffering from intense emotions such as a sense of fear, rejection, not belonging or lack of power.
• Not being able to fully express themselves due to their yet developing vocabulary.

So how do children behave during a tantrum?

These explosions can happen in so many different ways. The loudness of the voice is usually the worst part of it for so many parents because it makes communication impossible. The most common ways of throwing a tantrum are:

– Throwing themselves on the floor while kicking it hard.

– Screaming their heads off until they turn red or almost lose their voices.

– It can also go to the extent that they would make themselves throw up or even hold their breaths until they turn blue.

At what age do tantrums start?

Anytime between 10 months and 5 years. It is commonly more intense at the age of two though.

How can we deal with a child having a tantrum?

There are so many ways to deal with a tantrum and they vary in their level of effectiveness according to the child’s personality, his/her age, the kind of situation we are in and the intensity of the anger inside him/her.

The most important thing of all is to be kind yet firm during the episode. Here are a few suggestions that you can learn through trial and error when to use which:

• Ignore the child while he is having the tantrum. Ignore doesn’t mean take revenge or give him an angry look. It means: do not give in: Do not give him/her what you refused to give before the tantrum as a means to calm him/her down. After the child calms down, give him/her a hug and say: “I can see you are angry. I wish I could help make you feel better. Let’s see what else can we actually do instead.”
• With young children, try “distraction attraction” where you distract the child by engaging him/her in a different activity or in something else such as: “oh look at this glittery book!”
• If your child would let you: hug him/her and sing a song or keep on repeating loving words to him/her like, “I love you dear” while patting him/her on the back.
• During the tantrum, you can actually tell your child: “I can see that you are very angry. I can’t really hear your words while you are shouting. It is okay to let it out and when you calm down we will talk. I love you honey.”
• After the tantrum is over you can simply ask your child: “Can mommy give you a hug please?”

Things to do to control the frequency of daily tantrums:

– Try to lower your child’s susceptibility to what triggers his anger. For example you can’t expect your child not to throw a tantrum if he is hungry or sleepy and you take him out for a long shopping day.

– If you are planning to take your child out to sit and chat with your friends at your favorite coffee shop, be prepared with exciting activities for your child to do such as: coloring books, play-dough or anything else that is interesting to him/her so you avoid him/her getting bored and starting a tantrum.

– Lower your expectations and be realistic about your child’s capabilities. It really helps to read books about a child’s emotional and mental development at different stages of their life so you know what to expect and learn how to deal with it.

– Give your child the power of choice when you can, to avoid power struggles. Let him/her choose between a few acceptable options, for example, if you want your child to put on a jacket, ask: “Which jacket would you like to wear today, this or that?”

– Try to create a daily routine for your child so he/she knows what to expect and when.

– Be a role model for your child. How do you express your anger? They mirror us.

– Unplug your children from screens. Watching cartoons or being hooked up on pads can increase your child’s restlessness and moodiness in addition to teaching him/her ingratitude and impatience.

What shall we try to avoid doing during the tantrum?

– Punishment, threatening, blaming, hitting, lecturing and shouting back: all these make your child more frustrated and angrier. This can either encourage him/her to elongate or intensify the fit or suppress his/her feelings inside which causes more severe psychological and physical illnesses.

– Worrying about other people’s judgment about you. We’ve all been through this and it’s not anyone’s right to judge the other, really. Focus on your child’s best interests instead. This is what matters the most.

– Don’t fight anger with anger, or aggression with aggression with aggression. This will only increase the fit.

– Lack of consistency: This only confuses the child and encourages him not to give up on his/her tantrum because it does work sometimes.

– Giving in! This will definitely have a wonderful short term solution: He will quit and you’ll get back your peace of mind, but on the long run, it will turn the tantrum into a tool that he will keep on using to get what he wants no matter how old he is.

It is very important and comforting to know that rarely any parent or caregiver can escape this phase. There is nothing concrete that we can or shouldn’t do to ensure that we are immune to it. The only thing we can do is to contain it so it doesn’t last longer than expected or become severely intensified.

By Maeri Frances

Feeling refreshed after a long leisurely summer break? So let’s take a peek at what the planets have in store for the coming month. It gets off to an attention grabbing start, with a solar eclipse on the 1st. Accentuating an upcoming Saturn/Neptune square on the 10th, it could play upon our insecurities and concerns as we prepare ourselves for a return to routine. Yes, there may be unsettling events for the media to have a field day with, but the path will clear for a more pragmatic approach in the weeks to come. To add to the fun this month, Mercury will be retrograde until the 22nd. Tidy up old matters, and avoid new projects. Don’t forget to read your rising sign as well; it can have a strong bearing on your month ahead.

Birthday sign:

Virgo:

Sometimes a reality check is in order, just to make sure you are not chasing intangible dreams, or getting lost in a mire of delusion or denial. The beginning of this month is one of those periods. Your ruling planet Mercury is retrograde once again, so avoid launching anything new. If domestic life and your home environment seem to be lacklustre, remember that nothing works better than a good clean out so you can feel renewed and refreshed. This should act as a catalyst for improvements in a key relationship too. Jupiter will pass into Libra on the 9th, so reflect on the opportunities you have had over the past 12 months, and if you have utilised them well.

Aries:

The planetary energies around the 1st may shake up your normal routine. Don’t be careless in issues that could affect your health, and take care with what you eat. By the end of the first week you can celebrate Jupiter’s entrance into your sector of close partnerships and marriage. This should see great opportunities for the singles out there to meet a suitable mate, and existing relationships should benefit as well. A note of caution, with Mercury retrograde in your sector of work, routine, and health don’t forget to take care of details.

Taurus:

Your mind and heart may still be drifting around in a distant locale, but let’s try a swift return to reality. The holiday period is over. Full stop! Time to get back to work. It’s true that the Mercury retrograde isn’t helping your romantic life, messages may be delayed or lost, misunderstandings can arise. Relationships perk up after the 23rd though. Overall, the coming 12 months could see you enjoying improved health, good connections with colleagues, and pleasure in carrying out your work.

Gemini:

So, who cares about a pesky Mercury retrograde messing up the domestic scene when Jupiter is set to shower abundant blessings on your 5th house of romance, creativity and hedonistic pleasures. After all, Jupiter will be around there for 12 months, and Mercury will be back on course after 3 weeks. Partnerships do seem complicated though, Saturn will be in your natal 7th house, delaying matters and creating obstacles. Don’t try to rush anything, that square to Neptune on the 10th may put a new spin on things.

Cancer:

You may be wishing you had two sets of hands and could be in two places at the same time. When you are not rushing around it seems that family and home are going to be consuming most of your energy. While Mercury spends three weeks in retrograde motion you should double check all arrangements, allow yourself time to get to meetings and check emails before pressing the send button. Equipment may malfunction, so back up important files. Jupiter’s entrance into your solar 4th house indicates a stronger focus on home matters. It’s a good time for buying or selling property during the coming 12 months.

Leo:

The month starts with some financial news that could mean you need to adjust your plans to some extent. Sort out your budget, and don’t overlook the fine print. It could also mean you need to make more short distance travel during the months ahead. Communication in general will be important, so make sure you are in the loop, one way or another. The 23rd is an important day for many. Things may start to fall into place as Mercury goes back into direct motion, although the full impact may show a little later.

Libra:

You are on the brink of what could be a momentous year ahead. Jupiter arrives in your birth sign on the 9th of September, bringing opportunities, a new confidence and a possibility of gaining a few kilos. You could put the latter down to a more relaxed attitude and general sense of wellbeing. The period around the 22nd and 23rd could be just what you need to get a taste of what the coming months have lined up for you. If your birthday is around those dates you may have extra reason to celebrate.

Scorpio:

Keep yourself in the loop, but don’t let your plans depend too much on others this month. You natural ability to keep things under wraps until it is time for the big reveal will serve you well. By the time the last week of September rolls around you should have things pretty much lined up as you planned. Your ruling planet Pluto starts back in direct motion on the 26th, and although it may not have a direct personal impact it seems that outer circumstances may influence a lot of your decisions.

Sagittarius:

Those born in the first couple of days of December may feel the impact of September’s Saturn square to Neptune in their lives. Any delusions or illusions you had may be shattered, or you may feel let down by someone you trusted. Domestic matters seem to be a little complicated, try to keep home routine running as smoothly as possible. It may be near impossible to juggle career and home matters this month. Don’t let yourself be talked into any real estate deals during this period, it seems that all the facts are not on the table. On the upside, friends will be a great source of comfort and support.

Capricorn:

If you feel as though you have been treading water at times in recent months, when circumstances seem to flow against you, the direct motion of Pluto later this month may help things make more sense. The planetary activity in no-nonsense Virgo suits your way of thinking, so even with a retrograde Mercury you are organized and efficient enough to stay ahead of the game. Jupiter’s passage into Libra on the 9th boosts your public persona, career matters should liven up considerably. Your social life could also amp up around the 23rd! Get ready to shine!

Aquarius:

All that earthbound energy in Virgo has been a little dull for your taste, so you can get back into your zone a little more easily when Jupiter cruises into fellow air sign Libra. It’s true that the retrograde Mercury period may create havoc with your finances, unpaid bills may appear out of nowhere. At least by the time the last week rolls around you should be able to kick back and relax a little. Spice up your life by connecting with different cultures, either through travel, or meeting new people, or giving some time to a course of study.

Pisces:

If ever you needed reminding how important people are in your life, recent events should have brought the message home. This is a period when you can look at cementing bonds through finding ways to work with those closest to you, to create something rewarding. Business partnerships are well influenced for you as Jupiter enters your 8th house, so maybe it’s time to come up with some smart ideas? Put them into practise after the 23rd though, it is a day when a lot of dreams could come true.

By Fatma Ibrahim and Nour El Demerdash

When two sixteen year-olds get together to discuss pertinent parenting issues, you’d think the conversation would center around “freedom” and “restrictions”… Well you’re right, it does. But pay close attention; don’t dismiss what these pre-adults have to say just because they’re going through “that age”. There is much to be learned from them… more than you think.

Cairo West Magazine captures a conversation that transpired between our two resident teenagers Fatma Ibrahim and Nour El Demerdash who took it upon themselves to speak on behalf of young adults everywhere through an enlightening discussion that went something like this…

Fatma: What do you think the role of the parents is?

Nour: Parents are responsible for providing basic needs for their children such as food, clothes and a home. They are also responsible for their primary socialization; which is teaching them the values of their community. It is also fundamental to help children throughout their growth and development stages until they reach a certain age; for when they become adults, they need to be able to take care of themselves. Additionally, they need to teach their children manners, how to be respectful of other people and be careful not to offend anyone. They are responsible for providing an education and giving support to their children, and teaching them how to overcome some of the hardships they are bound to face in their lives.

Do you believe in strict parenting or in giving more freedom? Why?

I believe that parents should be strict in the beginning and then start offering freedom gradually. Each child should have the opportunity to make their own mistakes and have their own experiences to learn from them. Eventually, the parents will not be around to take care of their sons and daughters, therefore the children need to be able to handle life on their own. Learning from one’s own mistakes is very different and far more effective than looking at other people’s experiences and trying to learn from them. Each person seems to think that their case is different; hence, no problem will arise.

In what way do you think it affects the decision-making process of the children?

It mostly depends on the type of relationship maintained between the parents and their children. If the parents give their children the attention they need and maintain a worthy level of trust between them, then the children will respect, not fear their parents. When put in a troublesome situation, they will put into consideration what their parents would say about it, and most of the time will make the right decisions. When the parents are only strict and their children find them to be unreasonable, the best liars are born.

At which stages should parents be strict, and which should they start dispensing more freedom?

When parents observe that their children are mature and responsible enough to make their own decisions and be held accountable for their mistakes, they should allow them more freedom. If the parents think that their children are becoming a bit out of control, then they should talk to them. If that is not helpful, then the parents should start decreasing the level of freedom they had allowed them.

Would you be a strict or a free parent?

Somewhere in between, I would treat my kids as my friends and let them tell me everything that goes on in their lives. I would give them a chance to discuss with me why they want to make certain decisions. With all this information, I would be able to determine whether I need to be strict or allow them freedom.