It’s not easy being a mom or dad. Nobody said it would be. And nobody expects you to be perfect. But there are some pitfalls that even the most experienced parents can fall into.
Blame it on stress, being busy, multi-tasking or poor decision-making, toxic parenting can end up creating long-lasting psychological damage to your little ones, at a time when they need your love, guidance and protection the most.
The not-so-hidden-dangers of toxic parenting
While it is virtually impossible to get through childhood completely unscathed, many children battle years of low self-esteem and emotional scarring through being on the receiving end of consistently negative behavior from one or both parents.
This often results in a child needing therapeutic support at some stage of their life in order to have healthy relationships.
What is toxic parenting behavior?
1. Shaming, ridicule and sarcasm
Shame can be extremely wounding and has a profound impact on our self-esteem, playing over in our memories over long periods of time. When used as a tool to discipline a child in a domestic or public scenario, it can be demoralizing and destructive.
Sarcasm and ridicule are equally toxic, as children can feel that their feelings and opinions are being invalidated, leaving them hurt and ashamed.
2. Deflecting responsibility
A mature adult needs to accept responsibility for his or her actions, and the results. It can be easy for a parent to find an ‘out’ by laying blame on a child’s intentional or unintended actions.
This usually causes a child to lose respect for the parent, along with any sense of security and being protected.
3. Absence of parental presence
Emotional support and practical guidance are important building blocks that help a child to grow in life skills, psychological health and empathy. No matter how busy a parent is, the time they dedicate to transparent, one-on-one interaction and shared experiences is very important.
4. Poor conflict resolution
Different points of view are a normal part of life, and disagreements occur in any relationship. If arguments arise in front of a child, they should be handled with respectful communication and logic. This is an important part of a child’s learning process, and will be a life hack that they will need as they go forward.
In a toxic parenting environment, loss of temper, abusive language, physical violence and raised voices are not only a poor example of how to resolve differences, but are frightening for a child who can also see it as a breakdown of the family unit.
Equally, the silent treatment when parents ignore each other and refuse to communicate can be just as destructive, creating anxiety and a high stress environment.
5. Forced secrecy
Adult lifestyles and behavior often step outside society’s norms or rules. If children are exposed to this the added burden of being forced into secrecy can compromise their developing sense of ethics and moral compass.
If a child is exposed to behavior that is dysfunctional and abusive, then immediate steps should be taken to change the situation and seek professional guidance if needed.
6. Treating kids like adults
The process of maturing and reaching adulthood takes time, and should evolve at a healthy pace with the support of the family. Toxic behavior by parents often involves using the child as an emotional crutch or asking them to make decisions beyond their scope.
7. Excessive control
Kids need to forge their way in life and that usually involves making a few mistakes, lessons learned through hard experience are rarely forgotten. A toxic parent may find it easier to take a burden off their mind by imposing a repressive set of rules and regulations that effectively cramp a child’s growth.
Cutting off access to any situation where he or she might be called upon to exercise their own judgement and sense of responsibility. Set boundaries but in a sensible way.
8. Ignoring a child’s feelings and point of view
Young minds are continuously questing knowledge and answers, and inevitably, opinions and perceptions are formed. An understanding parent encourages this journey of self-discovery and appreciates that as the child encounters more situations and expands his or her understanding, these may change.
A toxic approach involves belittling a child, suggesting that their emotions are unimportant, invalidating their right to express themselves or being able to have a say in matters that directly involve them. The impact on their self-worth and confidence can be lifelong.
How to break the cycle
- When a situation arises, don’t allow your habitual reaction to kick in. Think first, then respond in a positive constructive way.
- Understand that parental behavior is often a throwback to the way they themselves were raised. There may be unresolved issues that have crippled a parent’s ability to think and behave constructively, due to emotional damage that has not been addressed. If this is the case, therapy and family counseling are good options in order to stop perpetuating the toxic cycle. This will bring closure to the parent and ensure positive, emotional and mental health for the next generation.
